Please proceed with caution ⚠️
It’s been 89 days since I’ve last self harmed.
I broke that today. I’m super disappointed in myself, but I wanted to write. I wanted to write and get my feelings out, see where I went wrong and fix this.
Things have been escalating for over a week now. I’ve handled as best as I could. Today, today I was given an ultimatum regarding a family member. I picked the opposite of what I wanted in order to keep peace.
It broke me. I know what I want in my life. I told myself no one is controlling me anymore so what do I do? I let others still control me. Because they make my life a hell if I don’t do what they want.
I feel manipulated constantly. I wonder how long it’s actually gonna take until I actually break completely. It won’t be long.
I’ve been thinking lately more about how I can end my life. It would be so simple. At times, I do want to be gone. But I still hang on. I honestly wonder why at times.
Rock bottom isn’t far. There’s only a handful of things keeping me from hitting it. I’m trying to focus on that, I’m just afraid, what if I lose these things, what’s gonna happen? Because with my BPD I ALWAYS push everyone and everything away.
I may need to go to IOP, DBT. I have no idea. I just know I can’t keep living like this. I don’t want to break.
I got super upset tonight. All day I’ve been sobbing uncontrollably. No one knows. I got shoved over the edge tonight and picked up the knife and went to town. I wasn’t thinking at that time. You don’t when you’re self harming. You just feel release. Then realize what you’re doing.
My stopping reaction has gotten better, I’m glad for that. But 89 days. Omg. 🤦♀️ I’m so mad at myself.
I know I can’t be though.
What went wrong was I didn’t use any coping skills. I didn’t take the time to play a video game, color, count, shower. I ran downstairs to the kitchen, crying and picked up a knife.
Coping skills are so important and I’ve been working on them. I was doing so well.
Now I’m starting over and reevaluating my coping skills and having more of them right on hand.
Especially now that I know this has been building up badly.
I know you know how I feel if you’ve ever self harmed. It’s crap. You truly don’t want to. When you can’t fight it off anymore you don’t care.
I’ve been feeling terrible over the past week and I didn’t speak up. I pushed it off. I made everything sound okay when I wasn’t okay. I’m still doing it. But I’m not okay.
I’m not okay.
But it’s okay that I’m not okay. I can’t keep it in any longer.
I’m reaching out to crisis now and talking with a counselor. I’m making my counselor aware in the morning. I’m going to now play a video game. Get something to eat and remind myself that I’m not okay now but I will be.
Please remember: Having a slip up doesn’t make you a failure. You’re never a failure. You’re trying. You’re trying to battle an illness/multiple illnesses day in and day out. You’re fighting to survive and you’re trying to find those ways to survive. Be more kind to yourself!
You’re brave, strong and a warrior ❤️
Don’t ever give up. Please reach out to someone. Don’t hide your feelings.
You will get through any bad thoughts. Just like I will too.